For Your Information, While Clouded.

Remember when I said back in January that Andy and I had broken up? Well, we had. And there was two weeks or so where I was miserable and sad and worried about him. You remember, I'm sure... It really wasn't that long ago.

Well, he came back. About two and a half weeks after the initial break up. He came back to apologize, because he felt wrong about certain things (those things you don't necessarily need to know). And I felt compassion for him and it was almost as though God placed a special box of forgiveness directly into my heart for him. While we never were "back together", we followed through a period of "are we right for each other? are we not?" and basically tested the waters with time and a few dates. It was great for a while, but it was plain to me that things weren't working out. Because there were things that I needed, convictions I had, that were making me wonder if this was what God really wanted.

A lot of other stuff happened. Stuff that is really personal, but I truly feel that it was this that God used to shove me into action and to cut ties with Andy. I didn't want to. More than anything, I'd wanted to make it work. I was suffering from a hardcore case of denial. Because as much as I knew it was the right thing to do, it didn't change the fact that I still cared and possessed a love for him.

While I didn't go about it in the best way (actually, it was probably the worst way), I finally told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore.

Complications ensued. Truths were confessed. Hurts were revisited and wounds reopened. It was messy. So messy that the friends who were there to support me were also hurt in the process and have since backed away from me completely.

So now I'm alone. Entirely. Probably what God wanted all along. To show me that I need to rely on Him and Him alone through this. I'm 2600 miles away from home and I haven't got much left. This was God's goal, I believe. To humble me and remind me of what I should be striving for--Him.

I know that clarifies some things, but not everything. There's all those little details you're dying to know about, but honestly, I haven't got the strength or emotional capacity to relive it all... The important thing is that I move forward from here, grow, mature, and let God do the work in me. I don't mean to turn Christianese on you. I'm only saying that this stuff is true and it would have me for the better.

Your prayers in this time of emotional, mental, and spiritual healing would be greatly desired and appreciated.

Thanks.
car.